“I Climbed A Mountain And I Turned Around” (Fleetwood Mac) How My Diagnosis Brought Me A Fresh Perspective On Life

Nov 27, 2024

6 min read

Written by Colinette Hazel

“Who Are You” (The Who)

Just like no two human beings are 100% alike, neither are two neurodivergent people. If you’re neurodivergent, there’s a chance that a parent may also be. If they flew under the radar, you may have as well, as older generations may not have been as familiar with neurodivergence. Perhaps there was a tendency to deny your differences due to stigma, or you may have been told to ‘get on with it’ and ‘be normal’.

Off you go to live your life as society expects you to. You struggle but somehow manage – until something inevitable happens – “this thing called life” (Richard Ashcroft) – and it feels as if the walls you built come crashing down around you. It crashes quickly because there was no sturdy foundation to begin with: the walls are poor in quality and inauthentic, built on society’s norms and held together by something called masking.

“Supersonic” (Oasis)

You find out you’re ‘different’ either through school, the workplace, or social and familial interactions. I was not diagnosed until my late 20s. Diagnosis for an adult, through the NHS, can take up to two years. Under my circumstances, I decided to go private and dip into my savings for a future property deposit (although, realistically, my savings – given the cost of living in London – couldn’t compete with a deposit there. But hey, that’s what dreams are for, right?).

I met with the clinician twice. Because autism and ADHD may co-exist, they screened me for both. I completed several surveys, and he asked about my hobbies, family, work and social life. No, he did not put me in a room and monitor my play - even if I am still a child at heart.

“I Found Out” (Pigeon Detectives)

“You have what is called Autism Spectrum Disorder.”

“So, like Aspergers?”

“We refer to it as Autism Spectrum Disorder, ASD.”

“Am I supposed to be smart? I don’t feel like it.”

“I can tell that you are clever, but intelligence and the disorder are distinct. The disorder is a developmental condition that affects communication, learning, and interactions. We refer to it as a spectrum because no two people will have the exact same characteristics.”

Pointing to the report, he highlighted that I excel in certain areas: attention to detail, memory, empathy, organisation, initiating tasks, finishing tasks, time management, writing skills, and planning. Then he proceeded to areas for improvement: understanding cues from others, social nuances, word finding, and sensory processing.

“Well my life makes a whole lot more sense now! Thank you very much for your help.”

On the journey home, I reflected upon the difficulties that I had recently faced. I felt overwhelmingly happy, but then that evening, out of the blue, I broke down crying – in relief and grief. I thought about my younger self and wondered how different life could have been if I had known earlier.

“Where do we go now, sweet child o’ mine?”

(Guns N’ Roses)

“Bittersweet Symphony” (The Verve)

I seemed to do everything ‘correctly’ – at least on paper. I held two degrees. I have received various workplace awards and scholarships. I was headhunted by two well-known recruitment agencies in London and directly via email by a former employer. I was hitting deadlines and targets. I prioritised attention to detail (sometimes, perhaps too much!). I was working closely with senior executives from well-known organisations. I worked hard and took pride in working efficiently, but over time, I realised that true fulfilment is finding a role that aligns with my values rather than chasing titles and being busy.

I’m still grateful for all those experiences, as I’ve met some incredible people who taught me a lot about social norms, life in general, and the importance of staying true to myself. Now, I know how to handle nuanced situations better, I know the type of person I want to be, and what my calling in life is. I am still me, but with an upgraded mindset and strategy. It’s refreshing.

My diagnosis and experience over the years have helped me unravel and understand:

Without clear communication, people’s biases, priorities, assumptions, and upbringing can shape expectations. So, don’t assume. Even if you know what you need to achieve, unless explicitly stated, it would be prudent to confirm how they want you to achieve it. A mature and open-minded person will seek to understand and meet halfway instead of arguing about being ‘correct’.
Disagreements are almost always caused by the inability of two or more people to understand each other’s viewpoint. A disagreement cannot happen with one person alone - except maybe if you’re facing a life crisis.
You may need to consider people's personal circumstances, personalities, working and communication styles. Something ‘urgent’ may not actually be urgent but simply ‘urgent’ to that person assigning the task. I used to follow instructions to the dot, which meant I was juggling many ‘urgent’ tasks that weren’t actually urgent. If you aren’t given a deadline and it’s not immediately clear from the information you have, don’t hesitate to ask for one. If you still aren’t given a deadline, explain in writing why you have decided to prioritise some tasks over others, while still acknowledging its importance.
There are better ways of saying ‘no’, so be helpful but set boundaries. ‘I am sorry, but I don’t have the capacity to do X right now, as I urgently need to finish Y [for Z] first. I may have capacity after Y. Is the deadline for X flexible?’
I am highly detail-oriented and prioritise fairness and honesty (confirmed by the diagnostic report), but I am no saint. One afternoon, my manager's manager (yeah...) phoned me out of the blue. We had met once – at my interview.
- "I just spoke to X. What happened and what exactly did you say?"
- "I said XYZ because it was affecting the others. Wasn’t my opinion, it was a fact. The messages on [platform] will give you the background"
- "Yes… I've seen them [the messages]. long pause Look, I admire your candidness. It might be good if more of us were. I can see you were looking out for your colleagues and that's commendable. But these are the types of things we say in our heads and not out loud."
- "I'm sorry. What can I do to fix it? Am I in trouble?"
- "No, you’re not. I've spoken to X, but I suggest you send an apology. And going forward, there are formal channels to deal with these issues."
While rules exist to ensure order, there are times when they don’t always apply. It’s a tricky one that comes with experience.
Career success extends beyond hard skills and efficiency. As my sibling (who is incredibly likeable and funny) told me: that just gets you more pie - pie until you die. So you could throw in some small talk in between the pies, or change careers like I did. At least the pies I am eating now are those that I enjoy, which makes all the difference.
A lie is not a lie unless it is socially acceptable. What? Well, as a child I’d plan activities with friends, and more often than not something would come of it. But I noticed that as an adult, ‘let’s grab a coffee’ may not actually happen - in both personal and professional contexts. I gave the benefit of the doubt, thinking that people’s lives are busy (as was mine), so I followed up saying I was ‘ready for coffee’ whenever they were. Remember the report that identified completing tasks as one of my strengths? Apply that here: I need to complete this task, which means meeting up for coffee. After speaking with others and understanding that such phrases may be conversation fillers, I will still make the effort to prompt (initiate the task), and if there is no follow up, I have satisfied my responsibility because my prompt serves as completing the task.
When people come to you to offload, oftentimes they are not looking for a solution (even if you have the answer), because they may just want to talk. I now know when to just listen and when to offer solutions.
You’ll cross paths with certain people for a reason. Because of this, I’ve learnt to forgive others and forgive myself.

“Don’t Look Back In Anger” (Oasis)

Through practice, I have learned to appreciate people's actions and perspectives better. Some may be justified, and others may not, but what is most humbling is realising where I could have responded differently. I wish to leave you with two quotes: